Breaking Free

One year ago tonight, I sat in the darkness of my living room as the clock crept towards midnight and I began to write a lifetime's worth of truths. Every single thing I had ever thought about myself, I wrote.

After hitting the save button, that letter went unopened and unread until tonight. For the first time, I reread the words I had written 365 days ago.

My heart is broken.

"In my entire life, there hasn’t been a moment of peace or self-love in perhaps ever. I don’t know what it is like to look in the mirror and feel anything but negativity."

"I carry this weight like shackles .. I have created my own prison from which there is no escaping."

"I am the heaviest I have ever been. The rolls of fat on my back are heavy. My stomach hangs low. When I sleep on my back, I feel suffocated. My hair has fallen out, sleeping on a pillow is painful because of this acne and my body is infested with every symptom of PCOS. I wake up in the middle of the night and my arms & legs are numb. My ankles hurt. Taking a few steps leaves me winded. I am often the only one out of breath in a group setting. I have battled depression for so many years now, I've lost count. These are not easy things to admit, but they are important things because they make me who I am - and I never want to forget the way this feels."

Sweet girl, I am sorry. I am sorry that I tortured and abused you for so many years.  I am sorry that I allowed others to use you like a piece of property, not like the magnificent, strong creature God created you to be. I'm sorry I didn't take even just one chance on you. I didn't invest in you, I didn't defend you, I didn't love you. I'm sorry.

Tomorrow, I will write about everything that August 23rd means to me and the great victory it brings. But tonight? Tonight I'm honoring this girl.

This girl who poured everything into loving others, loving ideas, loving things .. but never once loved herself.

I love you now. I love you enough to say that I am sorry and that we're doing better. We didn't know one year ago that we could do it, but guess what?

We did it.

We broke free.