In Loving Memory: Food Funerals for Days

The weeks between finding out I was approved for weight loss surgery and my surgery date were a disastrous, beautiful mess. I affectionately refer to them as "the best days of my life" I'm sure that I alone stimulated the fast food & restaurant economy in Northeast Kansas during my "farewell tour". I panicked, sure that I would never eat food again, so I visited all my favorites and held funerals in their honor as I said goodbye to the delicious carbs and sugary beverages.

As I waited for surgery, my family threw an engagement party for my mister and me. All the pictures were taken. ALL. I had already gained back the weight I'd lost during my 6 month approval process with the nutritionist, PLUS some. I was the heaviest I'd ever been at our engagement party, but I embraced all the pictures because I knew they would be the last of the pictures in which I looked like that.

A month after our engagement party, my fella threw me a surprise birthday party for my 30th. My surgery was a month away. I'd never had a surprise party thrown in my honor before. I was on Cloud 9! I wouldn't describe it as "floating" though - I was the heaviest I've ever been on the day I turned 30. "Things are going to be different next year", I promised myself. Again - more pictures.

2 weeks before my surgery, we had engagement pictures taken. They were beautiful. I loved the love I saw in those baby blue eyes staring back at me. He loved me so completely, even at my worst. I bought a new outfit for our engagement pictures. My jeans were a size 24W. My shirt was a 4XL. "I will never again by clothes this big." Another promise. I am so glad we still had our engagement pictures done. Do I cringe when I see my body in them? Sometimes. But most of the time, I am thankful for the reminder of where I came from and the reminder that even then, even when I couldn't love myself, I was loved.

August 12, 2017: "Food Funeral Day". It was as fun as it sounds. It was the last day before my "Pre-Op Diet" began. I've never felt more full in my life! Here's a little insight to that day: Small Town Summer Festival, in which I enjoyed BBQ, Funnel Cakes, Watermelon Lemonade and Frozen Cheesecake on a Stick. On the way home, I stopped at Sonic and got a Route 44 Chocolate Coke. That night I enjoyed Henry's Hard Grape Soda and I ordered enough food from a Mexican joint for 4 people. {i know that, because that's how many silverware packets they put in my bag}. It .. was .. Heavenly. I may or may not have even listed to "Taps" as I wished I could bathe in that queso.

I went to bed that night crying, though about what I'm not quite sure. It may have been because I was so full I thought my stomach was going to legit explode. It may have been because the next day would begin a very strict diet for 10 days. Or possibly it was because I had just said goodbye to my best friend - food. The one that was always there for me, never hurt me and never abandoned me. I think it was at that moment that the depth of my addiction had caught up to me. 

No matter - I ate an entire row of Oreos, wiped my tears and fell asleep weighing the heaviest I would ever way for the rest of my life.

My official starting weight isn't known to many people. I've shared it on my {private} Instagram page, but never to "the real world". The number brought me shame. Deep, deep shame. But now? I own it. Every pound I carried with me because of choices I made. I plan to have this number tattooed someday, as a reminder of where I came from and where I'm never going back to. 

Day 1: 309 pounds.